TEFL gets its fair share of mentions in both fiction and non-fiction (often associated with crime, funnily enough), but is surprisingly badly represented on stage- especially considering the number of unemployed drama graduates who find themselves forced to have a stint in the EFL classroom. I thought it would be a good idea to remedy this, but being neither blessed with creativity (two words: Physics graduate) nor determination, all I could come up with was two line variations on already famous plays:

Romeo and Juliet

He was a loud guy from Sicily who thought taking the piss out of other people was charming if it came from him. He was a shy false beginner from China who had chosen an English name at random. The failure of all their pairwork was written in the stars…

Phantom of the Opera

An incredibly ugly virgin TEFLer tries to use being a native speaker of English and the status of being a “teacher” to hit on a fit Colombian student, but the resulting drama gets him promoted to DoS just so they can hide him in the office in the attic

Fiddler on the Roof

It seems one of the teachers isn’t just smoking on the rooftop terrace in order to relax between lessons (based on a true story!)

The Mousetrap

A new teacher’s doomed attempt to improvise a whole Dogme-style lesson out of one of the students mentioning the evidence of pest control being called at the weekend

Merchant of Venice

He is told that he’ll have to sweat a pint of blood if he really wants to go from false beginner to reasonable Business English, but he prefers to communicate by waving his arms about and comparing sunglasses

Waiting for Godot to Speak

or the French variation:

Waiting for Godot to Use a Full Stop or New Paragraph

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Based on the sweaty, feverish nightmares of a young TEFLer who was trying to sleep in a non-air-conditioned room after eating kimchi for the first time and with a new Cambridge Proficiency class the next morning

Taming of the Shrew

A group of male TEFLers get together to decide who has to sleep with the mousy boss in an attempt to make her less uptight, with hilarious and tragic results…

My Beautiful Laundrette

A TEFLer forced to work in a kindergarten feels nostalgic about the intellectual challenges and status of his previous job back home

Henry IV Part One

Natasha works her way through the Oxford Street language school teachers for the third summer in a row

Comedy of Errors

Two new teachers piss off the entire teachers’ room by laughing about mistakes in their students’ written work all the way through lunch

Much Ado about Nothing

Teachers reminisce about their CELTA course experiences with a new-found sense of perspective after just one week of teaching

Love’s Labour Lost

A TEFLer regrets all the free English lessons his ex-girlfriend got

As You Like It

After battles with management, students, parents etc, a teacher decides to just give students what they want, whatever Mr Harmer might have to say about it

Les Miserables

A tragic, heart-rending musical about young learner teachers in Western Europe, including the famously moving songs Head Shoulders Knees and Toes and If You’re Happy and You Know It

Rent

A group of young men are forced to spend time with Japanese businessmen in very small rooms just to pay for a wooden box to live in

The Threepenny Opera

The end of term talent show gets twice the budget of last year

Sure there must be others…