I’ve just finished expanding the TEFL employment FAQs for TEFL.net and tried to be as fair and balanced as I could. That was a bit of a strain for me, as you can imagine, so I’ve decided to let it all hang out here on TEFLtastic. Other honest answers or questions gratefully accepted:

Is it really so bad to work illegally?

No, not all. Unless you have some kind of problem with doing sexual favours for border guards…

Can US passport holders get work in the EU?

I hear the CIA are recruiting. Some people also enjoy teaching just TOEIC and TOEFL for thirty hours a week. Try to spot which of those two pieces of advice is more ridiculous.

What information about the employer should I look for?/ What should I ask about during the interview?

How much class time do you think I can use up with hangman? Did you not think about employing someone with qualifications and experience before employing me? What do you think is a fair amount of work to expect from me from that crappy pay packet?

How can I tell if a job is a scam?

Offering decent pay and conditions to people with no experience and/ or qualifications.

What should I do if I suspect a job offer is a scam?

Write to that nice lawyer of a Nigerian prince who emailed you last week and ask them to help.

Most of the jobs that I want to apply for ask for Cambridge CELTA or Trinity Cert TESOL but I took a different four-week course. What should I do?

Try to forgive yourself for being so stupid. Also, try to find out what a website called “Google” can do before you next pay to take a course.

I never/ rarely see jobs advertised in the country that I want to work in. What should I do?

Have you considered smuggling drugs or working in a hostess bar instead?

I’m bilingual. Should I mention that in my CV?

No. Employers and students prefer their teachers to be completely ignorant. That is why they employ people in their early twenties with no relevant degree, an absolute maximum of four weeks’ training, and no knowledge of the students’ culture or language.

I’ve heard that in the country that I want to work in there is prejudice against black/ Asian/ disabled/ female/ gay/ older teachers/ teachers who speak the local language/ teachers who have local surnames. How can I still get a job there?

Try becoming a local TV celebrity who makes money by playing up to the viewers’ prejudices.

Should I just go there to look for a job, or should I apply from abroad?

Go there and time your visit for when classes finish so that you can see how fit the students and staff are. Also try going first thing in the morning to count the cockroaches and full mousetraps – any total lower than ten is pretty good.

Are there any age restrictions?

The younger and more ignorant the better.

My grammar/ spelling was always terrible at school. Can I still make it as an English teacher?

Sure. Just tell them that it is something that no one has ever heard of like “New Zealand English”.

Can I work as an English teacher without a degree?

Sure. There are jobs with the exact same entry requirements as a Wal-Mart job. Unfortunately, the entry requirements are not the only similarities…

What countries can I teach in without a degree?

None. There are some countries where schools will employ you with no degree and no working visa, but as soon as I found out that was what you were planning to do I contacted immigration in all those countries with your details.

How should I choose my first job?/ What is the best country for a first job?

That’s like asking which prison you should choose. Think that you’ll be doing as much teaching in a day as during your entire 4 week TEFL course and you get the idea of what that first year will be like. You could choose somewhere with cheap beer and women/ men with low standards to at least make your days off okay.

Where can I save the most money?

At home, by getting an office job. Or you could work in Saudi Arabia and do a sideline in selling home brewed hooch – after all, who needs two hands?

What can I put on my CV if I don’t have any teaching experience?

“I’d never been interested in teaching, living abroad or the English language before, but I lost my job/ couldn’t find a job/ broke up with my girlfriend/ heard that drugs are easily available there/ am chasing a girl, so I thought I’d give it a try”

Do I need to speak the students’ language?

No. You don’t want to understand what they are saying about you and your classes.

Can I get a job where I don’t need to teach kids?

Yes. For example, there are schools in Japan where they put all the teachers’ photos on the wall. When lecherous salarymen choose a teacher from their photo, the receptionists are too polite to say no.

What’s the best time of year to look for a job?

September, when schools need so many teachers that they’ll take anyone. Or Xmas, when the decent teachers leave the crappy schools at the first opportunity and the schools are desperate to put a foreign-looking person in front of the students in January.

Can non-native English speakers get jobs abroad?

Yes. For 20,000 dollars I can get you into Europe and get you a job. How are your sewing machine and fruit picking skills?

Will a couple of years of TEFL boost my job prospects back home?

Yes. In the interview, be sure to mention that while you were there you failed to pick up the language, didn’t use a computer in your job, and filled time by playing pointless games.

Is it possible to find a job for just a few weeks/ months?

Difficult, but possible. Find a decent school (difficult to do for a first job) and then do your job so badly that you get sacked (even more difficult). Alternatively, get arrested and thrown out of the country whenever you are ready to go home.

Can TEFL be a real career?

Yes, in the same way that delivering newspaper can be a career.

What will my wages/ standard of living be like?

It will be just like being a university student. If that is your level of maturity and expectations, you’ll fit in just fine.

Will I be able to save money?

It is difficult but possible. Try hiding under a desk when the school is closed instead of renting a flat.

Am I likely to find a job?

Yes, even someone like you can get a TEFL job (sigh)

What are my chances of getting a good job with no experience?

0.00000136%

Will I be able to find a job with/ near my spouse?

Yes, so there’s no point trying to use that as an excuse for spending time away from them

I’ve never lived abroad. How will I know if I will like it?

I know your type and, let’s face it, you could get pissed off in Eden. Be miserable at home or miserable abroad, what’s the difference?

Although I really want to live abroad, I’ve never been particularly interested in teaching. Should I give up the idea of TEFL?

Try Wall Street schools.

I’m a vegetarian/ vegan/ can’t eat some things. Will I still be able to live abroad?

Yes, if you can call that living

What will I be asked during the job interview?

Are you really a native speaker? If not, can you wear colour contacts and try to pass as one? When can you start? You don’t mind waiting to see the contract, do you?

Can I get a job without split shifts/ weekend work/ early mornings/ evenings?

Yes, by getting an office job back home

Will I have to pay tax back home?

No. In fact, you may earn so little that you’ll still be able to claim benefits

Will the health insurance they provide me with cover everything?

Everything but illness and injuries

Should I use a recruiter?

Yes. Their services are well worth a hidden charge of 20 to 50 percent of your wages

How do I know if I can trust a recruiter?

Try putting “lawyer” or “politician” into that question and you’ll get the idea

How much money do I need to take with me?

Enough to quit your job and support yourself when the person who you moved to the country for dumps you, and enough to fly to the next country to make the same mistake all over again with someone else.

What should I take with me?

Andrew’s Morning After and extra-thick condoms

Will I easily make friends?

If you easily made friends, you wouldn’t need to go abroad to seek the first bit of excitement in your life, would you? However, if you have real personality problems you may be able to pass off some of them as cultural differences.

I have an obvious tattoo/ piercing. Will that affect my job prospects/ life abroad?

Yes. In other countries it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone that they are a weird freak, unlike back home where people just secretly think it

What should I wear?

A bit of cleavage never hurts with male students, colleagues and bosses

What working conditions are standard?/ What working conditions should I look for?

Look up “sweatshop” in a dictionary.

Why are lots of the contracts for only nine months?

They are hoping that you’ll get a job elsewhere during the summer so they can find a new batch of clueless 23 year olds next September

What if it doesn’t work out? Can I just quit early and fly home?

No. You’ll be too embarrassed to do that after you’ve spent the first two months posting bullshit messages on Facebook about how jealous your friends back home should be.